


lest they be angels in disguise

by Raven (singlecrow)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley is an instagram sensation, Crowley's Plants (Good Omens), M/M, Mixed Media, Queer as Fuck, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 11:24:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19333564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singlecrow/pseuds/Raven
Summary: Buzzfeed, July 2019, "Top Five Off-the-Wall Theories About the Scary Instagram Plant Man"





	lest they be angels in disguise

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to soupytwist. A image-described version of this story can be found here: http://www.generalist.org.uk/disguise/text.html

[Buzzfeed, April – July 2019]

**This Week’s Internet Weirdness Involves Aspidistras**  
_It’s a kind of perennial, apparently._

Yes, we too are wondering how an image of a plant with a hand around its stem goes stratospherically viral. It’s probably tagging it **#pourencouragerlesautres** that does it.

Scroll down, there’s more.

  


  
  
**#inelegyveritas #rubbishchuteincoming**  
  
**aloevera** actually it’s a rubber fig  
**rozesrule** I tried it with mine and it didn’t work  
**botanicslover332** yeah, should’ve grown better, fuckers  
  
---  
  
**Top Five Off-the-Wall Theories About the Scary Instagram Plant Man**  
_Does screaming at your plants even work, anyway?_

Everyone’s seen Scary Instagram Plant Man, the insta for… well, a scary plant man. @antony.j.crowley, whoever he is, is famous for gorgeous views of the London skyline and goth- monochrome furniture, interspersed with episodes of sociopathic horticultural rage. But who’s the man – or not! women and enbies can be weird as shit too – behind the mask? Here’s some totally serious contenders.

**The usual suspects**

A known influencer on a weird flex, always a possibility. Whoever @antony.j.crowley is, they’re otherwise not known to google. How about @tallulahflyte, who sells white-people kombucha to Hampstead hipsters? @deliciousllyella has more range than we thought? The new thing from the people who brought you Fyre Festival? Idk. 

Pros: God’s in his heaven all’s right with the world etc  
Cons: *yawwwwwwwwn*

**Jeremy Hunt**

Disgraced former Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt, hundred-to-one outsider. You’ve seen the scary black walls and chrome furniture. Tory Cabinet ministers and their sex dungeon interior décor, amirite.

Cons: plants wither at his touch  
Pros: he might not be PM??? fuck

**Björk**

New album pre-buzz? Icelandic performance art?

Pro: indubitably the most plausible of these options  
Cons: possibly insufficiently weird?

**Emma Thompson**

North London pillar of the community. Occasionally to be seen on Hampstead Heath against a background of thematically appropriate greenery. 

Pros: has admitted to this rumour  
Cons: has no idea what Instagram is

**David Bowie**

So verdant, so extra. Remember the one you can sort of see the photographer in a reflection and it’s maybe a guy with sunglasses and all the hair? Yeah.

Cons: that vocal but misguided contingent of the reading public who believe he’s dead  
Pros: David BOWIE, motherfuckers.

  


  
  
**#minimalstandard #acceptablerosesofinstagram**  
  
**rozesrule** omfg  
  
---  
  
**Query: has Plant Man found love??**  
_Weirder things on heaven and Earth, Horatio._

Yes yes deeply bizarre BDSM aesthetic but he’s GROWING ROSES. And look at that grudging encouragement in the caption!

Has Plant Man found the dahlia to his rhododendron? The aloe to his vera? The horticultural playmate of his dreams? 

(Sidebar: _Extremely Heterosexual_ colour scheme. Hmm.)

  


  
  
**#blessing**  
  
**mandrake22** that’s not a plant, Plant Man  
**aloevera** I don’t have a problem with it but children go on this website  
**everymonthispridemonth** ONE OF US ONE OF US  
  
---  
  
  
[Autostraddle, July 2019]

**Is PLANT MAN A BIG GAY???**

Signs point to yes.

Seriously, though. Grappling naked statues, bad houseplant parenting, now this.

  


[ _The Guardian_ , August 2019]

**Leather and teapots: a diverse aesthetic**

Plants leather-upholstered furniture aside, by far the most interesting thing about the @antony.j.crowley account is its occasional foray into an entirely different realm of Instagram aesthetic. For every ten-or-so images of terrified yuccas and brutalist statuary, we get a shelf of calf-bound books; a view north from St James’s; a cup of tea in a pink porcelain cup. Other than that infamous scatter of rainbows, one might say there’s nothing here that’s profound. But still, there’s a tender, intimate feel to them. As though Scary Plant Man has tired of vitriol, of impotent fury at those who can neither hear nor answer.

  


  
[ _The New Yorker_ , August 2019]

**"Cultural comment: “Elusive or allusive: a possibility in excelsis deo”**

Let’s skip through the preliminaries. Has Plant Man found love? Probably. Have they found it with the mysterious reposted user who – like antony.j.crowley themselves – has no identifying details listed and follows no one? Very likely. Is this recent post extremely suggestive?

  
  
**repost * @aziraphael**  
**#whywouldyoudothis**  
  
**tinkertinkerbell** sooooo cute!  
**botanicslover332** are those FAIRY LIGHTS  
**aspidistra34** wait what repost??  
  
---  
  
Yes. No further detail has been posted to Plant Man’s Instagram, but there’s no real need. If your heart yearns for it, go look at the Archive of Our Own.

The matter at hand, then. In some Catholic and Islamic exegetic traditions, you will find an angel known variously as Aziraphael, Ezraphael, देवदूत आज़ीराफेल. Whatever you call him – them – this particular angel is an odd but earnest patron of queer love and passion. No surprise, then, that a reclusive Instagram influencer’s even more reclusive partner might use an allusive handle like this. So far, so perfectly explicable. 

Those beautiful views across London, though. Remember? Scroll back and you’ll see them, amidst the chrome furniture and fearful Swiss cheese plants. The bright lights, the bridges, the sweep of the river through the cityscape. Google image searching doesn’t indicate that the pictures have been taken from elsewhere on the internet: let’s assume they’re the original work of Antony J. Plant Man and the elusive Aziraphael. 

So here’s my question.

What were they standing on?

  


  
  
**#aziraphale**  
  
**phantasmagoria** ok what the fuck where is my quality GAY CONTENT  
**the.almost.duck** I kinda like it.  
  
---


End file.
